Neurodivergent Labels

* Rough Transcript *

Last weekend, we had our very first NeuroDivergent Book Club on the book Divergent Minds. And one of the things that came up in our discussion was the idea of labels and how a lot of labels are useful in that they help us find the help that we need and help connect with other people who have those experiences.

But at the same time, if we’re too reliant on labels, Then they can become a sole focus of our identity, or a hyperfixation, or they can also serve to separate us from other people and create an us and them situation. And so labels have always been kind of a tricky thing in my world, and I realized that it’s a similarity that most of the people in my community have.

They Identify with the concept that I talk about, intensity, giftedness, excitability, twice exceptionality, all of those things, but they don’t necessarily identify by those labels at all times. It’s not something that defines them, and it’s not something that they want to define them, but it’s helpful in finding those of us who have similar experiences.

And for example, nobody really likes the term gifted, and I don’t really love the term twice exceptional either, but those are the terms we have, they’re the technical terms for certain phenomenon that are very real and are not talked about enough, especially in adults. And so, in my early work, I focused on things like intensity and those different aspects.

But, until I started outright using the term gifted and twice exceptional, I really wasn’t reaching as many people as I knew I should because It’s the term that people know and a lot of people don’t know the term twice exceptional But once you know it, that’s the term to look up because there really is no other term And so it’s always been such a tough call for me because I don’t want to over identify with any one Aspect of my identity.

I don’t want to over label and focus entirely on that one label But because it really does bring with it a unique personal experience, it’s helpful to have those labels so that we can find other people. Same with various neurodivergences and all of those things that connect us because finding other people who’ve had similar experiences when you’ve had a lot of people who just don’t really get us or don’t really get what’s going on or the challenges that we’re facing is really invaluable.

Especially when you have These higher skills that people think you must be just lazy because you’re not able to meet your potential and it’s extremely frustrating and it’s a very unique experience to having the Evidence that you have this high potential while at the same time Not being able to fully realize it because of executive functioning skills or whatever other things are getting in the way Another label that I actually like a little bit better, but even less people are familiar with is the term asynchronous, so when Looking at the definition of giftedness, asynchronous is actually one of the key components to giftedness.

An asynchronous development means that you develop different parts of yourself at different rates. So, if you’re looking at a child who is developing asynchronously, that means that they’re cognitive ability may be up here or their math skills may be up here, but then their social emotional or their emotional regulation or something else is way down here.

And so because of that asynchronous development, it can be a challenge sometimes. And that to some degree is a component of giftedness in general, where we have these highs and these lows that are asynchronously developed. But in those of us who are twice exceptional, it’s even more extreme. That means that our highs are very high, but our lows are even lower to the point where they become a disability.

And that is why twice exceptionality is such a unique challenge. But the concept of asynchrony is something that really resonates with me and really is a defining factor of both giftedness and twice exceptionality. And so, I’m super excited this Saturday to have Tiff Chuam come and speak about asynchronous development in gifted adults.

and she is a therapist with lots of experience with gifted adults and neurodivergence and trauma and all sorts of amazing things and she’s a wealth of knowledge so I’m super excited to have her come. You can join us and you can find the calendar of events at my website auroraremember. com or find more information in the community at embracingintensity.

com and Anyone can join the call. The recording will then be shared in the Embracing Intensity community and part of it on the podcast as well. So you can either join us live or find that recording later on and it’s going to be a great call. So oftentimes as a school psychologist, I find that parents Don’t want to label their kids, or I see it also in groups oftentimes, where parents don’t want to label their kids.

And they seem to be okay labeling their kids gifted, but they have a hard time with any of the other labels. And because of that, they don’t end up getting diagnoses that they really need. The more that I’m in neurodivergent spaces, the more people that I meet that wish that they had had that label sooner so that they could find the help that they need.

And so one thing I would really, really compel parents that if they think there’s some sort of Diagnosable disability going on, it really is helpful to get that label because even if it’s not your intention to medicate, which is a whole different story and it’s something that I wish I had actually done sooner.

Even just getting treatment, getting help, getting answers, understanding what you need and finding ways to accommodate and asking for accommodations, those are all things that can be done when you have the label. One of the things that I really wish that parents understood is that when we try to avoid labeling our kids, our kids are going to get labeled anyway.

Because whether they get a label that’s helpful for providing services, resources, information, or they get a label that’s not helpful, which are things like lazy, or defiant, or that sort of thing. And so, which label would you rather have? I can tell you from All of the people that I have met who were diagnosed late in life, they would have much, much rather have had the label of that diagnosis rather than being called an underachiever or lazy or not meeting up to their potential.

I, myself, avoided the label of ADHD for a long time, not really because I didn’t like the label, that wasn’t really the issue. It was, I actually identified as having ADHD, but I didn’t really bother with the diagnosis because I really didn’t think that I needed treatment because I had all of these compensating skills to get by.

Unfortunately, all of those coping skills are what led to a lifetime of chronic pain and fatigue and also made it very difficult for me to adopt the healthy habits that I knew would help that chronic pain and fatigue. And so finally getting treatment for it and seeing the impact that it has on my energy and that sort of thing makes me really wish that I had pursued that label sooner and pursued Treatment sooner because I hadn’t realized how challenging and taxing my coping skills had become.

And that’s another thing that I think oftentimes parents will be hesitant about labeling their kids or even adults will be hesitant about labeling themselves because they think, well, I’m getting by, I don’t have it that bad, I can function fine. I’m doing okay, or they’re doing okay. They’re making achievements.

They’re not getting in trouble They don’t need any help But what you really have to have to do is look deeper look beyond the surface because a lot of times the labels that we give are based on External things that we can see and so we only want to put a label on something if it is annoying other people or preventing them from having outward success, but we don’t want to put a label on it if it, we can’t see it or if other people aren’t seeing it in us and Unfortunately, for those of us who are experiencing it, all of those things going on internally, unless you have the words to articulate it, and people who are knowledgeable in supporting you with it, or treatment for it, then It’s hard to find help, so getting that label can be extremely helpful.

Even if it’s not a formal diagnosis, understanding those things about ourselves are really helpful. And when it comes to giftedness specifically, that actually has the opposite effect of the disability label. The disability label, oftentimes parents want to avoid giving their kids the disability label, but a lot of adults who didn’t get it regret that.

But with giftedness, parents are happy to give their kids the label gifted, but most Most people who were labeled gifted really don’t like the label and while they may reconnect with it at some point as an adult because it doesn’t go away, they are often very resistant to using that term, which makes it very hard to get help because if we refuse to use the term, or even consider ourselves gifted, then we can’t find the those people who have resources to support us because we’re not looking in the right places and a lot of times the way gifted programs are structured are so focused on achievement and achievement only that a lot of times gifted folks who either don’t fit that box and didn’t achieve at the same rate don’t think they’re really gifted when in fact They probably are, and they might even be more gifted than some of the people who are high achievers because a lot of profoundly gifted people don’t fit nicely into the school box.

And for those who did actually achieve a lot in school, but came out of it with all sorts of problems like anxiety or depression or Self esteem issues or being really hard on themselves because they were so achievement oriented Then they also want to throw away that gifted label because for them it feels like it comes with an expectation You’re gifted.

Therefore you owe the world something and so when We have had that experience. Oftentimes we want to just kind of chuck the label and not acknowledge it as part of Who we are but when we do that, we’re really missing out on the potential to Have greater self understanding and to understand that giftedness isn’t about achievement Giftedness is about intensity complexity drive Being more complex than others.

It’s not about being better than anyone. It’s not about doing amazing genius level Things, a lot of people who are gifted, no one even realizes it, because it doesn’t necessarily manifest in something that is huge and revolutionary, it can be just in our day to day interactions and how we process the world.

And when we have those areas that we can problem solve really complicated things, but yet, not do some of the most basic things that everyone else thinks are easy, they get confused because we’re able to do this complicated thing, but we can’t do this basic thing. So then they think we’re lazy. So that goes right back to the wrong kind of label, right?

So, In the end, I feel like having a label can be very helpful if it helps us to find answers, resources, other people to connect with. And so, having that label, owning that label, is very valuable. We just don’t want to get caught up so much in that label that it becomes the centerpiece to our identity and it divides us from others.

Because, in the end, We’re all humans, and we all have more in common than not. It’s just that there sometimes are very specific experiences that a label might define that can help us. And without it We can’t make those connections. So join us this Saturday for our next group call on Asynchronous Development in Gifted Adults with Tiffany Chuam.

And you can also join us in the Embracing Intensity community at EmbracingIntensity. com where you can connect with other folks who connect with this material, who feel intense, creative, gifted, complex. All of those things and I also have a lot of resources there and talks from past guests and conversations and a course on self regulation that helps you to use your intensity and channel it in a positive direction.

Have a great week!