The Colorful Table

* Rough Transcript *

Can you share with me some cultural factors that might have affected how you could express yourself?

I grew up overseas in a international community in the Middle East. People were from everywhere and I did not grow up thinking that I was Black or African American. My experience growing up was so different than my parents.

My parents grew up in New Orleans. They were definitely identifying as one or both of those at some point in their life. They were in the South in the 70s and some of the first people of their color going to their college in a very small town in Ruston, Louisiana. So when they came to Saudi Arabia and had me, which is where I was born and raised, when they would tell stories of being African American or black, it was not something that viscerally I connected with.

It sounded like the stories of a foreign country and a foreign land that had nothing to do with me, though I appreciated their stories. I did not relate whatsoever. So when I came to school in the United States, I went to boarding school. I went to a school in North Andover, Massachusetts, college preparatory boarding school.

That was completely segregated. It was a great school. The people were awesome. We’re in the lunchroom. The kids that identified as blacks sat with the black kids. The kids that were Asian sat with the Asian kids, the hockey kids sat together, the Jewish kids sat together, I mean, it was really segregated, and though I didn’t ever see an altercation between any of these groups, it was shocking to me, and completely misaligned to me, because where I found my alignment was in the mixture, in the getting to know what’s different, and I grew up with friends who were well traveled all over the world, all of my friends.

All over the world and also if I were to look just at the population of kids whose parents were American I grew up with They were almost all of them were from the south. So Also, I was being exposed to Eastern old money and that whole culture dominant white culture and Even that was like I also had questions when my friends were identifying with white.

I’m like, what is white? Exactly. Those were the kinds of questions that I was having at 14 when I went to boarding school And so when I got there They were immediately saying, you have to join, I think at that school they called it the SEC, and it was like, students, something of color, and why? I said, why?

This is like the second day of myself moving to the United States, a foreign country, they’re telling me I have to join the SEC, and I say, why? And they say, because you’re black. And immediately, I felt like I had on, like, shackles, around my wrists, and around my neck. It was the first time that I experienced a permanent like a metal collar around my neck.

And it’s something that shows up every once in a while, who knows? It could be like a ancestry thing because you know, a lot of my ancestors were slaves. It could be a very spiritual connection to ancestors or spirits who are showing me that I need to work on my own resistance around speaking around my throat chakra, whatever it is, however, it’s read.

It really did feel like a shackle the moment I heard that. And So I was like, okay, I’m black. And I sat at that table with the black kids and instantly was made fun of because I didn’t have an accent, because I was different, because I didn’t listen to the music. I didn’t want to listen to mainstream rap because I didn’t like the use of the n word and I didn’t like the way that women that looked like me were portrayed in the videos.

And I just wasn’t into it. At that time, I literally, I think I was listening to like Gregorian chants. I’m like Bollywood music and like aqua Barbie girl and like Vega boy. Like I was just listening to a lot of like European dance music. And so I’m being introduced to this music and being told I was black.

And I didn’t have the shackle around my neck and everything about sitting with those kids was misaligned for me. And I started looking around the cafeteria and started looking around who hangs out with who and everything about the segregation, sectioning yourself off was misaligned to me and it hurt.

And then I was trying to relate with my parents story. I’m like, okay, am I this? Is this what I’m supposed to, what does it mean? And it is a really challenging time for me. It was, that’s now I name it as identity crisis years later as I was looking back on it. And eventually, you know what I did was I found alignment with other kids who did not want to sit with their designated tables.

I sat at the table that was colorful, I sat at the table of people who did want to mix. And I will say on top of that, the friends that I maintained, even the ones I don’t talk to anymore, but the friends that I made there were all really awesome individuals. All ones that weren’t really interested in their box or sitting at their table.

And that ranged from people who didn’t have world experience to people who had a lot of world experience. None as much as I had because of my unique upbringing. But when I found alignment with those people, it was a lot easier. And I could be in my truth without being told I was something. I was accepted for who I was and provided a community.

I had a community around me and that small group of friends in which I did not have to pretend to be something I’m not. Because when you’re pretending to be something you’re not, you can’t really practice your own gifts and skills in a way that’s effective or that will help other people.