287: The Myth of Work-Life Balance

* Rough Transcript *

Work Life Balance

Rethinking Work-Life Balance

there’s no such thing as work life balance. It’s really more about harmony, because if you think about it, balance is when things are equal, right?

Where everything is kind of equally balancing, and when it comes to our lives, oftentimes. Certain things are gonna take up more space than others, and that doesn’t make it unhealthy, but it can be unsustainable if those things aren’t in harmony with each other.

Welcome to the Embracing Intensity podcast. I’ll be sharing interviews and tips for gifted, creative, twice exceptional, and outside the box thinkers who use their fire in a positive way. My name is Aurora Remember Holtzman. After years of feeling too much, I finally realized that intensity is the source of my greatest power.

Now, instead of beating myself up about not measuring up to my own self imposed standards. I’m on a mission to help people embrace their own intensity and befriend their brains so they can share their gifts with the world through the Embracing Intensity community, coaching, educational assessment, and other tools to help you use your fire without getting burned.

You can join us at embracingintensity. com.

Welcome

Hello. So I finished this recording, about three weeks ago. And then never got it out because I had family camp and then dove right into my school year with an early school start and working full time. So I decided not to push myself to get this out, and I’m kind of glad I did wait, because as I went through my edits from.

When I tried to rush getting it out before camp, I realized that there were a couple of awkward parts that I got to fix because I came back with renewed energy. So I’m glad that I waited. I am still having the goal of getting a podcast out every month, but I’m also gonna be a little bit lenient with myself as I go back into full-time school and.

Realize that my own. Self-care takes priority over everything else. I did wanna get it out this week though, because I wanted to share our next upcoming call with Kaitlyn Smith on tasting the Gifted Rainbow, and that’s coming up this Saturday at 10:00 AM Pacific. It’s a Zoom call so you can come join us and I’m really looking forward to it.

I do. Plan on continuing having guest speakers into the new year. I have another one on executive functioning coming up this fall, and we’ll be planning out the 20, 26 year probably sticking with about four for the year. Again, I feel like that’s pretty sustainable, meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this. Solo episode on the Myth of Work life balance and what to focus on instead. Enjoy.

Releasing Perfectionism

So it’s taken me all week to get myself to sit down and record this solo podcast episode because I’ve been finding myself getting stuck anytime that I try to do anything business related. Because I feel like I should do it instead of just because I’m inspired. And while I was inspired to make this video and podcast, I kept getting stuck on sitting down to record it because I was getting caught up in the perfectionism of doing it just right when, honestly, this summer, I haven’t had the brain space for that kind of.

Real Talk About Energy & Productivity

Attention to detail. And then I remember that most of my podcast episodes that are solo were really just me with a very minimal outline and sharing my thoughts organically.

And Even though I’m trying to make it a little bit more user friendly in terms of breaking it up into shorter bits for people, because I know long form isn’t really everybody’s cup of tea.

I realized that if I overthink that too much, then it’s gonna come out a little bit less organic. So I decided to just sit down and get out my thoughts. A couple of days ago, I got them out on audio as I went for a walk, it helped me to kind of narrow down my thoughts on the things that I wanted to share, which is really how I’m approaching going back to my schoolwork full-time in the fall,

I’ve shared a little bit, bits and pieces of it here and there.

About how I kind of spiraled when I first realized they were probably gonna push me to go back full time. But then I really embraced it because I realized that financially it was much better for me to just go back full time and make my creative work just inspirational for me, rather than actually trying to make a living off of it.

And this morning I kind of had this realization after a weird dream. About the fact that a lot of my fellow podcaster friends who started around the same time I did, are successfully utilizing their podcast and platforms for work that they’re doing as entrepreneurs. And I absolutely love seeing that.

Platform Growth & Internal Pressure

And at the same time, sometimes I’ll feel like I’m somehow behind because my platform, while it has grown and while it has a good audience, isn’t really something that is financially sustainable. But a lot of that comes down to my personal blocks around marketing myself. And also the fact that every single one of those friends that I admire had spouses that were supportive of their work.

And so in whatever capacity that was, that definitely probably is a factor in why they’re able to make their work sustainable.

But taking those things into consideration, I realized that it really is. The most nourishing move for me to go back into school full time because then I can start to really build my financial stability in such a way that it’s sustainable.

And at this point, when I do go back full-time, it makes sense to keep it up for at least five years if I wanna consider early retirement, which I’m actually at that age now where it could be a possibility if I plan things right. But that said, at least in the next year, I am not focusing on income from this particular business.

I might start to take what I already have and. Communicate what’s there so that people can share if they would like, but my main focus is going to be on sustaining my own healing and avoiding burnout as I go into that full-time work.

Juggling Part-Time Business & Full-Time Work

Interestingly though, one of the things that I realized as I finally made that decision to go back is that. When it comes to my physical healing, I actually was doing very well before I went part-time. and It wasn’t just the part-time and trying to make a living off my business that influenced it. It was also a lot of other life circumstances that came into play, but.

To some degree, I realized that I had a little bit of imposter syndrome around the self-care and self-regulation thing because I actually did have the freedom for a while to take those breaks and to not focus on things that were productive to a degree that a lot of people don’t have. A lot of people don’t have that freedom in their schedule, and so by going back full time, it helps me to look at how do I apply this when I don’t have the same degree of freedom and flexibility that I’ve had for the last 10 years?

Because even though that freedom and flexibility actually probably ended up. Having more problems than solutions. I did have the option of taking time for the things that I wanted to be doing and not spending all my time being productively working.

So one of the things that occurred to me as I’m exploring how I’m planning to go back into full-time schoolwork. Without burning out is really embracing the idea that there’s no such thing as work life balance. It’s really more about harmony, because if you think about it, balance is when things are equal, right?

Harmony Not Balance

Where everything is kind of equally balancing, and when it comes to our lives, oftentimes. Certain things are gonna take up more space than others, and that doesn’t make it unhealthy, but it can be unsustainable if those things aren’t in harmony with each other, if that makes sense.

So part of the reason why I went. Part-time at my job in the first place so that I could focus on other work is that I realized that I’d gone into the one system where I could function, but it was also the same system that was burning me out and I had this vision down the road and it was really hard for me to picture being in that same.

Job for the next 20 years or more. So I was exploring other options of things that might be more rewarding. Unfortunately, the way that I went about it wasn’t really resonating because I was taking advice from other people that didn’t really work for me, and by the time I finally had. A model that I think might work, I had burnt out so bad that I couldn’t really implement or sustain it.

So those are the things that I’ll be working on little by little to get kind of back where I wanna be, but that’s not gonna be my priority in the next year. My priority is on my own self-care and maintaining that as I work full-time and preventing burnout.

Illusion of Time Freedom

I realized that part of the reason why for me, entrepreneurship was more draining than working within a system, is that the illusion of time freedom. Can actually be more of a trap if you find yourself constantly feeling like you should be doing something productive towards your work. Whereas having that ability to set aside my work that gives income and take my time outside of work to focus on what it is that I wanna focus on for me, then.

I can actually spend that time in ways that are more nourishing to me without losing my creative spark along the way, if that makes sense.

Because the problem with time freedom is that you start to feel like you need to be productive. All the time.

So while yes, working in the school system can be draining. It’s something that I can put aside when I’m not there and really focus on me.

And Part of the reason why I’ve had such a hard time getting this video out is that I’ve given myself the time to. Basically just rest and reset. And so instead of getting caught up in all the things that I wanted to get done in my business so that I could set it up for success and sustainability, when I went back to school, I kind of had to reframe and realize that absolutely nothing in my business right now is urgent.

And if I want to. Go back into the school full-time without burning out. I needed that summer off. I needed to take that time to rest. And so it actually was a productive use of my time to give myself that freedom.

Task Avoidance

But now I’m finding that as I’m trying to get some stuff done that I actually want to get done because I really would like to keep up to. At least monthly podcast episodes that I kept getting blocked. And it’s funny because last week I took the time to just basically do only things that I really wanted to do in the moment and not force myself to do anything.

And I was outside more. I got done things that I’d been waiting to do. And then this week as I had this recording hovering over me and I was avoiding it, I found myself more on the screens, more laying on the couch, avoiding things, and still not even getting the stuff done around the house that I needed to get done.

So clearly I still need to work on taking time for things that are more relaxing and resetting.

And it’s not that I didn’t wanna record, it’s that I kept getting up in my head about doing it right and I realized that I really need to let that go because if I’m gonna put out more content, it needs to be imperfect.

So as I move into more full-time work, I am being really mindful about how I’m approaching it in such a way that doesn’t burn me out. Because when your time is packed with work and responsibilities, we have to be even more mindful of how we spend our free time in such a way that helps to recharge ourselves.

So the main ways that I’m doing that are by actively resting in a way that’s actually restful. Prioritizing things that are energizing and decreasing the things that are draining.

Energy Balance

And one of the ways that I’ve explored those things has been through my Energy Balance workbook, which I have available in print now on Amazon, and I also have the balancing time and energy guide digitally on my website.

And In that guide I talk about five areas of energy balance that we look at when we’re looking at rest, energizing and draining things. And those five areas include physical, emotional, mental, social. And connection. So those five areas are kind of the things that I explore when I look at the things that are draining or energizing to me.

And I think the thing is that rest is not a reward. It’s a survival strategy because. If we’re not getting restorative rest, then everything around us is going to suffer. And that’s not just our productivity, but our relationships, our connections, our enjoyment of the things that we enjoy If we’re not getting proper rest.

And honestly, sometimes the most productive thing we can do is absolutely nothing. One of the things the summer has taught me is the power of having a day to do nothing. Not sitting on a screen on the couch, but just doing whatever I feel. The urge to do so, whether that’s going for a walk, calling a friend, doing things that are energizing to me, and sometimes even things that are productive around the house because suddenly I’m inspired because I don’t have to do it.

I’m doing it for me. And Moving into the school year, I realized I’m not gonna have that kind of flexibility for days on end. But I do think that it’s important to schedule time in my calendar for days where I can do that, maybe a couple times a month.

Sleep Routine

One of the biggest things I’m still working on is getting my sleep routine. More consistent, and it’s a battle that I’ve had pretty much my entire life, which is that

a lot of the things that we consider sleep hygiene just. Don’t really work well for my A DHD brain because there are certain things that really help for winding down for example, using my phone and finding things that help me to wind down without a screen has been a challenge.

And so I’m still working on that because I do see the usefulness in at least not scrolling social media late at night because that can get your brain going even more. So I’m exploring other ways to wind down either without a screen or in a way that’s not stimulating my brain.

But a lot of things that they bring up for sleep hygiene are really not suitable for the way my brain works. So One of the things that does help sometimes is listening to a Sleep podcast because it helps shut my brain down. But it’s still a work in progress, and if you have things that work for you, I would love to hear it.

Another thing that’s been really helpful for me when it comes to rejuvenating and resetting are things like walking, floating in the pool,

just general time and nature, and also baths to a smaller degree.

Shifting Seasons

And that’s actually something that I’m exploring a little bit more too as I go into the new year, is what are some restorative activities that I can do indoors when it’s raining outside or the weather’s not great and I don’t feel like going outside because a lot of my restoring activities are out in nature and.

That’s a little harder to do as we get into this cold time of year that’s coming up. So again, feel free to comment if you have things that you find restorative that are maybe indoors or rainy, weather friendly,

Something I’ve really had to consider when it comes to both rest and restorative time is. Reexamining my relationship to screen time because if I get sucked into screens, then sometimes that can give that little dopamine hit that I’m looking for, and it makes it way harder to get up and move. And so while taking those times to do whatever I want or a do nothing day,

the one thing. That I do have to monitor myself is how much screen time I allow in that because if I were to just do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and wasn’t mindful of the screen time, it’s way easy to get sucked into that, and that ends up not being restorative. It actually draining even more in the long run.

Contaminated Time

And part of the reason for that is something called contaminated time. Basically what that means is that. Even if we’re trying to rest, if our mind isn’t present in the moment and is thinking about things that aren’t restful or stressful, then that’s what we call contaminated time, and it basically contaminates the time that we’re supposed to be using for rest and rejuvenation, and it makes it not restful because our mind is elsewhere and our mind is thinking about all the things that we need to do. And so screen time definitely contaminates our time and thoughts about all of the things that we need to be doing can affect that contaminated time. So really being mindful of the fact that we are choosing.

To do this as rest and as something to rejuvenate us and redirecting our thoughts that this is productive because it is rejuvenating is really helpful.

So outside of rest, I’m also. Really mindful of the kinds of activities that I choose to bring into my life and making sure that. Most of those activities when I have a choice are energizing rather than draining. And so again, when we’re looking at those energizing activities, there’s the five areas, physical, mental, emotional, social, and connection.

And Looking at all those areas what are the things that I have in my life that are energizing to me and making sure that. With the energy that I have, I’m spending it on things that replenish my energy, not things that drain it.

The Importance of Play

And for me, one of the biggest things for energizing is involving more play.

Because play isn’t frivolous. Play is what helps us to sustain ourselves. It helps us to approach things in a way that

it energizes us instead of depletes us, and it also helps us to imagine different possibilities.

Without play, we get stuck in the drudgery of the things that we have to do and the things that feel productive or the things we tell ourselves we should do, when we work more play into that, we can approach it in a way that is less draining

and also just enjoy time that is exploratory and has zero purpose because that is really. Part of the fun of play is that

you’re doing it just for the joy of being, not for specifically what it is that you’re doing.

Another thing for me that helps to bring me energy is finding meaning in the things that I’m doing, whether that’s finding the ways that I can make a difference within the system at work. Finding ways that I can help students to understand themselves better or using my creative work to help people on a larger platform better understand themselves and care for themselves in a way that works for their brains.

Finding Meaning

And meaning doesn’t have to be some big great life purpose thing. It can be just what is the meaning in this tiny little thing? Why am I doing what I’m doing? Some of it yes, is going to be drudgery. Some of it is going to be, I’m doing this thing because I have to do it. To survive. But there’s always gonna be some aspects to it where we can find the connection of how is this making a positive difference?

And that can help us to connect what we’re doing that might be draining to the greater picture of how we are making a difference.

And the difference doesn’t have to be some big global thing. It can be just making a difference in one person’s life or even making a difference in your own.

And then finally for me, one of the biggest things that I have to keep in mind when I am working full time and feeling too busy to get out, and about. Is that I really need to be deliberate in my efforts to maintain connection because I am a raging extrovert, and so a lot of my energy comes from spending time with energizing people, but spending time with the wrong people.

On the other hand. Can be draining, but spending time with the people who energize me is very important and can be easy to lose sight of, and it can be one of the first things that drops off when things get too busy.

Prioritizing Connection

So being mindful of how do I make that effort to maintain those connections, whether that’s regular coffee dates or going.

Out on occasion or phone calls and texts, however it is that I can maintain some of those connections is really important to help energize me,

and I’d be curious to know how you maintain connections when you’re feeling too busy to get out and about and distracted by all of life’s stuff around you. How do you find ways to maintain connections?

And then finally, as I’m moving into full-time, I really need to be very mindful of the commitments that I make and minimize the amount of draining activities that I commit myself to. Obviously there’s. Responsibilities and commitments that we can’t avoid. But there’s a lot of things that we take on because we think we should do them, or we made a commitment in the past and we don’t wanna change the commitment that we’ve already made. But when our life circumstances change, sometimes we have to reevaluate what are the things that we’re letting into our life.

And our time isn’t free, so we need to stop giving it away to the things that drain us.

Draining Relationships

The last time I was working full time, I remembered doing an energy audit of how I was spending my time and energy. Because I was working full time and only had two nights off a week without a kid, I was spending those two nights in a relationship that I realized was draining me. As much as I admired this person and we had.

Mutual respect for each other after we talked about it, he said that’s just kind of his energy and how he’s always been. We decided to go separate ways and it was a hard decision to make because he was a really great person. But I had to look at the bigger picture when it came to how it was impacting my energy and.

I was finding myself drained at the end of our interactions, and so I had to prioritize things that were energizing and reduce how I was spending my time on the draining things. Even though it wasn’t a bad thing, it was still draining me.

And of course, probably the biggest thing for me is managing my screen time, because that’s definitely something that gives you that quick dopamine hit, but in the long run can be draining. And that is true of any kind of what they call.

Super stimulants, so things that can feel super stimulating in the moment, but then in the long run, drain us. Those are things to be cautious of if you wanna sustain your energy.

So really that means for me, being selective with my commitments and focusing on the things that preserve my energy, not the things that drain it.

Dating Apps – The Biggest Energy Drain

Which is a big part of the reason why I took a break from dating apps because those were both a super stimulant and that they gave you that dopamine hit with no real long-term energizing traits. And also just ended up being draining because the interactions weren’t necessarily connection. They were disconnected and draining because you’re having to filter through all of this bs.

Honestly, I realized that looking back on. When I had the most energy and when I really had the best health habits and all of that stuff. It was actually when I was taking a break from that 12 plus years ago, and so now my focus is more on building and maintaining connections and doing the things that I enjoy.

Avoiding Burnout

So avoiding burnout when we have to work full time and spend a lot of our time on the responsibilities that we need to do really takes mindfulness about how we’re spending our time and understanding that harmony isn’t about doing it all.

It is about loving the life that you’re actually living.

So It’s not about keeping everything in perfect balance, but in. Going with the ebbs and flows of how things come in, and out of your life, and being mindful when you have the space of what you bring in and what you avoid.

This fall I’m going to continue to focus on. Restorative rest, energizing activities and minimizing my commitments to the draining ones.

My goal is to keep my non-work time low pressure, but high connection and all about building micro moments of harmony.

And on that note, I am getting ready to head out to our family’s creative arts camp. So you can follow my journey there on instagram. Take care.

Wrapping Up

Looking for ways to embrace your own intensity. Join our embracing intensity community@embracingintensity.com where you’ll meet a growing group of like-minded people who get what it’s like to be gifted and intense and are committed to creating a supportive community as well as access to our courses and tools to help you use your fire without getting burned.

There’s also a pay what you can option through our Patreon where you can increase your pledge to help sustain the podcast or. Or join us at a rate that better fits your needs. You can also sign up for my free Harnessing the Power of Your Intensity, a self regulation workbook for gifted, creative, and twice exceptional adults and teens.

All links can be found in the show notes or on EmbracingIntensity. com.