289: Reclaiming Power Through Art w/ Ilima Considine

* Rough Transcript *

Ep. 289

Ilima

Ilima: these are all traits that are severely discouraged in much of the world, act normal, stop humming, make eye contact, or I could give them the safest space possible so they don’t have to expend any energy on managing the feelings of people around them and let them fully focus. And, you know, it’s a balancing act.

Aurora: Welcome to the Embracing Intensity podcast. I’ll be sharing interviews and tips for gifted, creative, twice exceptional, and outside the box thinkers who use their fire in a positive way. My name is Aurora Remember Holtzman. After years of feeling too much, I finally realized that intensity is the source of my greatest power.

Now, instead of beating myself up about not measuring up to my own self imposed standards. I’m on a mission to help people embrace their own intensity and befriend their brains so they can share their gifts with the world through the Embracing Intensity community, coaching, educational assessment, and other tools to help you use your fire without getting burned.

You can join us at embracingintensity. com. Hello. This week I get to share with you an interview with my local friend, Ilima Consadine, who is premiering her second film drug holiday Friday. The. 14th of November. So if you happen to be in the Portland area, you can come see both of us there. I’ll put links in the show notes and just a little content warning.

Her films are not for everyone. The last premier, I brought a second date, and let’s just say it was also our last. But it was super cool to get to hear more about her process and the themes that she explores that are complex and definitely relevant to creative and neurodivergent populations, And how she harnesses the strengths of her cast casting crew.

Enjoy.

Welcome to Embracing Intensity Today. I am super thrilled to have my friend Ilima Considine here joining us who reached out to me about promoting her upcoming. Movie Premier, and it was kind of perfect timing because as I’m going back into work full time, I’ve kind of scaled back on doing a lot of interviews and I was actually excited to add some more into the loop.

So welcome.

Ilima: Thank you for having me.

Aurora: So tell me a little bit about yourself. And what you are intensely passionate about. I know there’s lots there,

Ilima: Most people know me as a musician, as the singer for the Sex Bots. I had a pretty severe round of COVID in 2020 that basically left me with some new invisible disabilities and made it difficult to continue work or life or performing in the same way as before. I started writing scripts and music for other people to sing. This has resulted in two feature films, one of which is premiering this November 14th at the Mission Theater. It’s called drug holiday.

So I am intensely passionate, not only about music and film and visuals, but the ways that you can combine all three into one experience.

You know, they say a picture can tell a thousand words, so you can convey even deeper concepts with film. And that’s what I’ve been working on, on conveying things that are hard to talk about.

Aurora: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So tell me a little bit about your own personal brand of intensity. What does intensity look like for you?

Ilima: You know, it, it’s interesting I think a lot of guests in your realm I’m probably like, officially diagnosed or anything, but I do come from a family that does have a lot of people or, various places on the spectrum. And I also come from a generation where you are just awkward or, like, type A, type B, whatever.

So my ability to hyper focus. To be extremely detail oriented and to care a little bit too much about things are characteristics which have served me in a number of different industries where all of those things, results in you being extremely effective. If you think about any

practitioner of the arts, you know, if you spend thousands of hours to get something, like 1% better and are just obsessed with, creating things simply because they didn’t exist before, you know that that’s, probably very easy to put as a special interest. So, you know, somewhere, you know, I can.

Yeah, I get, get a little too into things that I often say. I don’t, I don’t half-ass, I only full blast.

Aurora: Yeah. Am I remembering correctly that you also are classically trained as well?

Ilima: Yes, I was a classically trained violinist. And then when I started playing in bands, I was playing electric bass and then I taught myself cello right beside me right now, or a violin and a viola.

Violas are basically big violins So, working on a commission for the Coral Museums in Baltimore right now.

Aurora: Oh, awesome. Was that for a composition?

Ilima: Mm-hmm. Yeah. You want me to write a song about a theme involving the American Revolution in Baltimore?

Aurora: Oh, wow.

Ilima: So I found this letter that I don’t wanna say commoner, but you know, like he’s,

he was a Cooper, he was an ordinary working guy who went off to fight in the American Revolution and wrote this like really touching letter home to his wife. And it’s not because it’s like really romantic, but it’s because it’s like a very dad husband letter. Like, I’m sorry to hear so-and-so’s been doing poorly, you know, like, and like he talks about like his buckles and the weather and stuff but it’s just really touching.

Mm-hmm. And, you know, it’s completely crazy to think about how that war was fought by ordinary people who were not joining, like this vast military industrial complex we have now, but like, just like kissing their wife. Picking up the farm rifle and just marching off shooting people. That’s, that’s a lot. That’s why we have the arts is like people that, you know, were able to get into something and focus on it. For extended period of time, and now we’ve got architecture and libraries and like all the good stuff.

Aurora: Mm-hmm.

Ilima: You know?

Aurora: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So how do you feel like your intensity affected you growing up?

Ilima: Well, you know that, that’s hard to parse out all the different causes. I was very studious, I was very shy. I could occupy myself with books. For hours and hours during the summer, I would read a book a day for many, many summers or, you know, would spend hours teaching myself different mediums of like acrylics or pastels. And so I think the, the, tendency to dive deep into those subjects also gave me an excuse to put off to, delay social training.

Maybe I was pretty awkward until college when I deliberately made an effort to work on that. With mixed results, depending who you talk to, I’m sure.

Aurora: Well, you probably found your people.

Ilima: Not in college actually, but not till I moved to Portland. Portland was really a game changer for me. I felt like everywhere I lived before that I was considered a real weirdo.

And then here I was mearly a homeless eccentric.

Aurora: So do you think there were any, cultural factors that affected how you expressed yourself?

Ilima: Definitely someone who has a tendency to like clinical OCD and anxiety to be based in both a Catholic and Asian households where responsibility and guilt are, pretty recurring themes.

Yeah, I think that definitely. Shift a lot of my early behavior and still informs my attitude towards work, whether it’s work for others or working for myself.

Aurora: Mm-hmm. Did you ever feel like you had to tone yourself down or tune yourself out?

Ilima: Yeah. Yeah, but I also view those as valuable social skills, like that is how we can exist in the workplace.

And how we can function in less than desirable conditions. So, definitely, I mean, I have friends that will be shocked to hear about the autistic things that I’ve done, and I have friends who would be shocked to find that I have senior management positions. Mm-hmm.

Aurora: So you’re kind of a chameleon of sorts.

Ilima: Yeah, I switch in more ways than one. Yeah.

But I think that part’s not a surprise to anyone.

Aurora: It’s true. can you think about a time when you feel like your intensity felt out of control?

Ilima: Like on almost a daily basis.

Yeah. I think there’s a significant, overlap between neurodivergent and chronically ill communities and Absolutely. So, energy management is a never ending struggle that you want to become deeply, deeply absorbed.

In your project, work at it until it’s done. But that means that you are also ignoring all the stimulus from your body, saying like, it’s time to lie down, or maybe food is nice and when you have chronic conditions of various sorts, this can, trigger crashes of various sorts.

And so I set a lot of timers. To, you know, stop, stop working and go lie down for 10 minutes and then work another whatever, and then like lay down again. And I feel like mandatory nap time, but I still really want to finish things. I still want to pretend I can do everything and so I will work until the point I start making mistakes and mistakes that are increasingly harder to undo.

At which point I really have to stop myself and go watch Love is Blind or something.

Aurora: Mm. Yeah. And I know because you had mentioned the, long COVID thing Yeah. And I know really hit you hard those first few years, and you still are impacted by that. How have you like kind of built back up from that a little bit?

Ilima: Well, a lot of it is, accommodating myself. In different ways, such as the timers are not agreeing to any late night events or telling people I can do things. If they pick me up, then I’ll go do the thing. But it’s still a constant need for accommodation. And then once a year when I shoot I do stimulants and just schedule like a crash period afterwards.

Mm-hmm. Because that’s. Not something that I can really work around needing to lie down frequently. But basically I Philip K Deck, I don’t know if you know the author from like Blade Runner?

Aurora: Oh yeah.

Ilima: Yeah. So he died young because every novel he wrote was basically an amphetamine bitch.

Aurora: Mm.

Ilima: And you know, he just made a decision that the work was worth it to him. Mm. Even though he knew it was killing him and the alcoholism probably didn’t help. And since I only do it once a year and I’m not an alcoholic probably Okay.

I mean, I would rather be able to have this output

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: Than not.

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: So.

Aurora: And Yeah, if you think about it, like ’cause when I tried meds for ADHD, the stimulant,

Ilima: oh, you feel, I feel terrible. I clenched my jaw. I’m like a little, like bad girl. Like, like I’m a different person.

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: On stimulants I feel, I don’t know, but like, I guess because my normal person is usually so gentle, like mm-hmm.

It doesn’t, it’s not noticeable on film sets where everybody’s already so agro.

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: Yeah.

But like the first day, like before, like when I haven’t done it in a year, and I’m like, you know, it hits really hard. I’m just like pacing, like pacing like a maniac.

Aurora: Oh man. And I’m sure you get shit done in that period of time.

Ilima: Yeah, but I can hardly eat like we have bananas on set because you can sort of choke them down even when you can’t, unclench your jaw to chew. Mm. But I don’t really like bananas.

And then, you know, it’s just constant going on and off the physical therapy, but you know. Mm-hmm.

Aurora: Yeah. Well, tell me a little bit more about how you use your fire for Good.

Ilima: Well, I would say that, my version of that would be like, yeah, getting rag tag bands of Portland artists into creating large scale projects such as, feature length film musicals that explore really dark social issues that nobody really wants to talk about or has the vocabulary to talk about productively.

And yeah, being able to tell a story in a way that people are able to look at and articulate the issue better than they were before.

Aurora: Hmm.

Ilima: At

Aurora: least

Ilima: that’s what we hope they’re doing. I mean, that’s what the most of the audience feedback I’ve gotten. But I can’t say that a hundred percent of the audience is going away with that.

Aurora: Well, that’s the hope, right?

Ilima: Yeah, so the first one was a lot about grooming and, heteronormative power structures and how those were, damaging to queer youth.

But this one is actually about trauma addiction cycles and it’s certain type of vulnerability from Neurodivergence and how that lends people to be more easily radicalized. Because if they’re feeling like they’re not fitting in. And they don’t know how to exist in this world. And you go online and you end up on the wrong side of the internet, you can find a space that accepts you and nurtures you and encourages you. It gives you rules that you can follow, which are all things that, can be very attractive to people who thrive under those conditions.

But if it’s the wrong scene it can have really tragic. And in some ways if you look at it, you know, like they’re trying, it’s not that they’re not trying, it’s not that they were started evil, like they fell into a place where this was literally the only thing in their life that was giving them positive feedback.

And I think that is a tragedy which is happening on a greater and greater scale as people are more and more aligned, particularly younger folk.

Aurora: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And there’s like finding more connection online has positives, but also has a lot of negatives.

Ilima: Yeah. I mean, hopefully you connect with the right people and they encourage you to do things that expand rather than contract your world, but it can be a real gamble out there.

Aurora: Yeah, for sure. What do you think has helped you the most with harnessing the power of your intensity outside of stimulants?

Ilima: No, I mean, I honestly, I think moving to Portland. Yeah. And, you know, I’m not saying that people don’t think that I’m a little weird here. But it’s accepting other people are, you know.

Move here to be whatever they wanna be and lean in really hard to really niche things and you know, so to some people I’m extreme, but to others I’m pretty mild. But just being in an environment that’s accepting of that and supportive of it and, being able to find and build a cohort of people to work with.

Mm-hmm. That. That’s been amazing. So, you know, I won’t say it’s a perfect city and it’s constantly changing, but that’s something that I have found here consistently.

Aurora: Yeah, absolutely. Definitely find that more here than any place I’ve lived.

Ilima: Yeah. And you know, I love Berkeley too, but you know, Portland’s still cheaper.

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: And Seattle always makes me feel a little underdressed.

Aurora: You know, you never feel underdressed here. Nope. Nope. I remember the first time I went to like a, a symphony or something here, and I was, I know what is going on.

Ilima: I still feel like we should dress up for that, but I might be in the minority so.

Aurora: Yeah, me too. I was a musician’s wife in San Diego, and then we moved up here, so Yeah, it was a stark contrast.

Ilima: Yeah. Yeah. Like guys here, I think that being dressed up as like, well, because it’s not so much the leather jacket as it was in the early two thousands, but yeah, it’s a pretty casual city.

Aurora: Yeah, for sure. Are there any personal habits that you think have helped you to use your fire in a positive way?

Ilima: Ooh, uh,

I don’t know if it’s a habit, but like, I think being nice to people.

Yeah.

Is a good one. A lot of what I do depends on connections with other people.

I think like separating the person that I pretend to be and from who I really am, I think that has been important.

Aurora: Mm-hmm.

Ilima: And that the person that I really am is a person that tries to be nice to people mostly, you know? Not getting caught up in your persona or not believing it.

Aurora: Mm-hmm.

Ilima: This is more a thing for performers, but we all perform at work, like, I think a lot of us have a work personality or a work mask, or whatever you wanna call it. I mean, I definitely have like a different voice and a different mannerism when I’m at work.

Aurora: Mm-hmm.

Ilima: But you don’t have to believe it.

Yeah. It’s okay to still be a real person.

Aurora: Absolutely. Connecting with your inner yourself.

Ilima: Yeah.

Aurora: So how do you think you help others use their fire?

Ilima: Well, you know, a lot of industries do. Tend towards neurodivergent folks and not just tech. You know, I think that’s what most people think is tech. You know, it’s also like dentists and certain types of craftsmen. I used to do HR at a production laboratory and for certain positions, that was one of the things that the managers looked for.

Like, can this person not make eye contact? And they have zero social skills. You know, because if this is not a position in which a neurotypical person will thrive at all, they will feel suffocated and they will hate it, and they’ll not have the attention to detail, like the psychotic attention to detail that we’re looking for.

Mm-hmm. And so, similarly, in film, you want your cinematographer to care a little too much about the camera lens, which I don’t care about at all. Well, I mean, I do, but not like, maybe like 10% of what he does.

Aurora: Mm-hmm.

Ilima: Like, like it’s his job to, to care more than any human should about that.

And but at the same time, these are all traits that are severely. Discouraged in much of the world, act normal, you know, stop humming, make eye contact, or I could give them the safest space possible so they don’t have to expend any energy on managing the feelings of people around them and let them fully focus.

And, you know, it’s, it’s a balancing act.

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: Because, you know, there’s a whole cast of, not cast cast, but like, you know, like there’s a whole bunch of people with different needs, with different communication styles, with different sensory sensitivities and, you know, trauma background.

And I have to get them all to meet the same deadline. Yeah. At the same time. So, sorry, what was the question again?

Aurora: How do you help others use their own fire?

Ilima: Right. So, you know, part of my job as a director is to, yeah, manage people’s social, psychological needs, which are related to how they are wired as a human,

whether they’re extroverts or introverts or loud noises are too much or, you know, whatever it is, I need to know how they function so I can both give them what they need and encourage them in a way that is unique to them on a deadline. Yeah, like a very strict deadline and a budget.

Aurora: Yeah. And individ all those individual needs is a lot.

Ilima: Yeah. So this might be also where it helps that I’m on stimulants for a few days because it’s one after another.

Aurora: Mm-hmm.

Ilima: You know, you have to cry in this scene. You’re vulnerable, you have to feel safe. You’re caring too much about the camera lens. That’s great. Do it. You know, like there, there are a lot so.

Many moving parts and my feelings don’t matter at all during those five days. I can have feelings later.

Aurora: Yeah.

Ilima: So,

Aurora: yeah. You know, it’s funny because talking about, the camera person and all the people having their own specialty I had just been thinking about the one play that I.

Directed Uhhuh, I was thinking about joining a comedy class that a friend of mine is teaching who’s a clown.

Okay.

And it’s like a three part, three week class at Clark College. And I was remembering that the last time I think. I worked directly with him. I had him do the, physical comedy coaching for the play that I was directing, which was, odd couple female version.

And I remember someone telling me like, oh, that’s cheating. You know, as a director bringing I’m, I’m like, no, it’s not. I’m, I’m outsourcing somebody who’s brilliant at physical comedy and that is not what I’m brilliant at. Like, I’m good at bringing the people together. But why wouldn’t I utilize someone who has that skillset?

Ilima: Yeah. Why would you not use like the best resources for your people

Aurora: Yeah,

Ilima: exactly. That are available. Yeah.

Aurora: So, and everybody has different strengths and that’s, you know, being able to work with that, all the different people with their different ways of communicating and all that. Yeah. That’s really mm-hmm.

Ilima: And I don’t think I could. Do it as well if I did not have my own lived experiences, like, oh, you’re stuck in an OCD loop. I’ve been there. Like, oh, like you’re overwhelmed and overstimulated. I know what that looks like. I know what’s going on. Like, oh, this brought up memories of something bad.

Well, you know, I’ve been a woman in Western society. I know what that feels like, so, yeah, I think some of the ways that I handled things when I was younger when it was, you know. I didn’t have as much insight. It’s just made me better equipped to manage things and help bring out, the best work, best performance from people.

Aurora: Yeah. Awesome. Well, is there anything. Else that you’d like to share with the embracing intensity audience?

Ilima: Oh my gosh. They should come see the movie. It’s very Portland. It’s very, very Portland. So if you like singing for no reason dad jokes and complaining about Californians. Then have I got a movie for you?

Aurora: Awesome. And how can they find out more about you?

Ilima: They can go to my website. Considine.com or I’m on YouTube. I’m on Spotify, I’m on most of the things as long as you can spell my name, you’ll find me. I’m not hard to find.

Aurora: Awesome. Well, thank you so much. I’m looking forward to just seeing it myself.

Ilima: Good, good. Yeah. I look forward to seeing you there. Hopefully, hopefully you can come.

Aurora: Yeah, for sure. Well, awesome. I can’t wait to share.

Ilima: Okay. Alright.

Aurora: Bye.

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